Diaries Of: Nosferatu Alucard
by Sugarlashes
Summary: The No Life King starts his personal diary. I Know, lots of OOCness!
1. Alucard's Diary l

**Disclaimer:** I obviously don't own hellsing. I own nothing but my comics (like 15 mangas) but you can't have them (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Weird Language: "mushrooms" instead of "fungus" which is the right term.

-**Friday, 11:44 PM**-

_**Dear Diary: **_

_Today was a hard day. Sometimes I wish I had listened to my mom and had become a professional dancer. It's just that Integra's too mean to me! Do you know what she asked me to do today?! (Well obviously you don't but I'll tell you ok? Ok, ok, here it comes!) SHE ASKED ME TO GIVE HER A PEDICURE! Can you imagine? And I couldn't deny 'cause she came with all that 'I'M-A-BADDASS-BITCH-AND-I-OWN-YOU-SO-YOU-HAVE-TO!' stuff and I had to do it. Oh I'm so traumatized…all that pinkness/fluffness/cotton/nail polish…and you could make a salad with all that mushrooms! What kind of job is that for the No Tap King? (Sounds good, huh? I was thinking of changing my AKA since I decided to retire and start my dream career…what do you think about Alucard the Ballet Quee_..._ng?)Oh, I wish my life was not so hard…I mean, WHY ME? It's not like I'm the one who decides to go throw the life sucking blood to every living creature I see!_

Alucard

-**Saturday, 09:12 with 33 seconds BUT WHO FREAKING COUNTS IT**-

_**Dear Diary: **_

_Oh goodie. Today was worst than yesterday and THAT'S something. Now i had to go out with that dork police girl and all because of stupid Walter. It started like a not-so-innocent bet and now look. I'm feeling kinda funny…but my head hurts!  
(Since you ask me so nicely, I'll tell you how that happened) I was INNOCENTLY having my dinner (a very old package of A+, but oh well, it's better than nothing) in MYYYY ROOM when that sadist evil grumpy old man came to me shouting and screaming and mumbling weird things about Ghouls in the backyard…and after a looong and tiring discussion about me getting a rid of them before Integra noticed, blah blah blah. I Said I could and he said I couldn't 'cause she was already on her way there, again, blah blah blah. Soooo I decided to go out and kick some non-zombie asses but she WAS already there. I don't know why the fuck I bet on such a thing neither why I couldn't really listen to everything I was saying…but when I was about to kick those Ghoul's asses I felt like I had kick my own ass; I turned back and there was that beyatch yelling at me about my lack of responsibility, AGAIN, MORE BLAH BLAH BLAH! And I'm saying BLAH BLAH BLAH not because I don't care (even though I really don't), it's because I couldn't understand A SINGLE WORD out of "AND YOU'RE NOT HAVING ANY BLOOD THE REST OF THE WEEK!" and something about pink unicorns. I'll just take an aspirin and get some sleep. Ohh, and forgive the saliva spots, I'm not feeling very well._

In this moment I don't really know what my name is, but I think that tickling is ok…hehe feels weird…whoopee!

-**Monday, 10:33**-

_**Dear Diary:**_

_Oh, that damn shinigami bastard! I knew there was something weird in that stupid blood! And because of that, I'm not eating for a week. I could eat rats but I'm too damn proud to do it…damn it... (Oh! Oh! Sorry! I'll tell you…forgive me for forgetting about it…again)  
Well, you'll see. Dearest Walter drugged me with…something, I don't really know why; all I know is that it sure has to be with his recent obsession to pair me with that dumbasss cheap intent of vampire called Victoria Seras. So he somehow figured out how to make me bet on something I could definitely NOT win. By the way, the date was yesterday. No, I'm not telling you what happened. I'll just say it involved cake and spouses (You Freak! It wasn't __**that**__!) And that Little Miss Seras won't be able to walk in a couple weeks (Giggle giggle). Gosh, what-a-week! Tomorrow I'll start my ballet classes Integra wants it or not. Oooh goodie!!! I can already see the cartel on the theatre…Can you see it? I can see it. It's a big one, with lights on it. Oh, I have such a great feeling about this!_

Alucard

-**Thursday, 11:05 PM, suffering and counting**-

_**Dear Diary:**_

_Sorry for the late! I've been very busy with my classes. Well, I certainly was, until Integra found out and locked my room. What's wrong with that bitch? Even she has dreams! I know because I read her diary a couple times, heh. It said something like this:_

"DEAREST DIARAAAY!

HEY WHAT'S UP! TODAY IT WAS A SUPER FUN DAY! WALTER GAVE ME A SPONGE BATH AND I PLAYED WITH MY LITTLE RUBBER DUCK, HE'S SO CUTE!  
ALSO I SAW ALUCARD BEAT UP SOME MEANIE MEANIE VAMPIRES, IT WAS SO  
VERY SCARY! WAAH! THEN I WENT TO BED AND DREAMED ABOUT ME BEING A SUPER-FAMOUS COUNTRY SINGER! I ALSO DREAMED ABOUT ALUCAR 'CAUSE HE'S VERY VERY HOT.

LUV U, INTEGRA"

Well it was kinda like that…ok no she doesn't even have a diary (does she?) but if she had one I think it would be something like that. Well maybe not.

Alucard

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End of the first chapter. I know shortness! But I promise I'll be updating it every week.  
Pleaaaaaase review and I'll give you a mango smoothie :3 


	2. Alucard's Diary ll

A/N: Sorry for the changes! I was trying to change some things of the story and it mysteriously erased; since my computer doesn't save anything I had to write it again. I am really, really sorry.

-**Saturday, 08:08 PM**-

_**Dear Diary:  
**  
Finally nice things are showing up (in a weird way but they are!).  
Today i had to go on a secret mission to an abandoned hospital.  
There was supposed to be 40 freaks around but all I saw  
was that sexy beast of Alexander Anderson, remember, the blond guy from Iscariot?  
In the moment he saw me he stared at me and started mumbling  
about what the fuck i was doing there. It was very disturbing actually;  
he always acts like he's not glad to see me. But **Oh-damn-he-is! **I can see it in his eyes!  
Why doesn't he just tell me? It would make things a loooot easier. Of course I have to act like I don't care too because we're ALWAYS fighting (Correction: I'm always kicking the shit out of him) Sometimes I wonder if he notices my feelings. Oh goodie. Non-dead boys are soooo stupid!_

Alucard, the not noticed king

  
-**Sunday, 12:27 PM**-

_**Dear Diary:**_

OOOH MYYY GOOOOD. Internet is the best damn thing! (Too Avrilish maybe?) You'll see,  
I was searching for some Iscariot info (Integra's Barbie laptop is always useful) and while trying Google I found a link that read like this: 'HLLSNG DOUJIN. PLZ READ!' Sounds like inverse psycho, don't you think? So I clicked on it and I'll I'm gonna say is that I never thought Anderson had such a dirty mind. But…who was that guy that looked just like me but with a bigger nose and weird eyes? He couldn't be my evil twin 'cause I'm already supposed to be evil and people would say I'm gay. It must be a coincidence. Yeah, that.

Alucard

-**Tuesday, 01:36 AM**-

_**Dear Diary:**_

To see all of this…

-Integra's Teddy bear themed underwear: $44.50  
-Police girl's shaving wax for a sure suffering: $22.10  
-Walter's NSYNC Poster collection: $277.95

…Has no price

_**Dear Diary:  
**  
I Think I'm gonna DIE. Well I'm not gonna die 'cause I'm already dead but you know  
what i mean! Here's a list for you to understand:_

_1: Police Girl said she loves me. Yuck. Girls are yucky. This is yucky. Yucky, Yucky, Yucky!  
2: Master Integra is already feeding me again, but guess with what. Damned I can't wait for her to be menopausal. Point 2 even more yucky than point 1. She thinks i don't know what she's doing, but Walter knows even less.  
3: My bathroom is not working. Yesterday i had to improvise a big hole in my room because of that. Yuckness again.  
4: Walter discovered my secret pic album, and he's always bothering me with it. Damn the internet for selling those Anderson pictures! Damn eBay. _

_Death officially sucks._

_----------------------------------------------------------------------  
_More shortness and more OOCness. Sorry for all straight-Alucard fans. I think he's getting  
a little gay. Hmm. Please review and i'll give you a cookie for that mango smoothie! XoXo Sugar.


	3. Alucard's Diary lll

-**Saturday, 12:40**-

_**Dear Diary:  
**__  
Yesterday I went to visit my "family" to Transylvania. You know, just to take a breathe and remember the good old times…  
I felt the wind in my face and my hair, the oh-so-pure air when I arrived to the HUUUGE Nosferatu  
old house…However, It was very pleasant until I found out that my whole family was dead. Hm.  
Stupidly Wasted Trip. But how was I supposed to know that normal people don't live  
500 years long? Of course I know that now thanks to Police Girl. Now I feel kinda bad for what I did  
to her…she's still got the marks. Heh it was so funny…_

Alucard

-**Sunday, 11:01**-

_**Dear Diary:  
**__  
Super Sigh. Integra is going mad, like mad mad. She's with the crazy idea of  
opening a school for future Hellsing-soldiers, "since we loose so many men in battle".  
Meh, that's no sense! Who in the bloody world would want their kids to join it?  
This is ridiculous. I could be fighting (something is something) with Anderson RIGHT NOW!  
Damn It. Oh, and there's a poll and everything! She wants to know everyone's opinion about  
how should the so called school be named. Bull Shit, I tell you! (Well, uhm…I actually voted  
for "Join here and you die" but I think Integra didn't like it. Come on, it was just a joke!)  
Oh Satan. Let's see what happens, then._

Read this, and you die

-**Monday, 08:48**-

_**Dear Diary:  
**__  
Wow, that was fast! She is opening the school and Walter's calling  
everyone and getting everything right now. Integra says it's going to be  
running by next week. Damn her, she's hard to peel! Uhh…I wonder who's teaching.  
It won't be police girl for sure because she's a total idiot and neither me  
'cause I hate kids. I wouldn't hate them if their last names where 'Nosferatu Anderson' but…  
Oooh that sounds pretty...  
__Nosferatu Anderson  
Nosferatu Anderson  
Nosferatu Anderson  
Nosferatu Anderson  
Nosferatu Anderson  
Nosferatu Anderson  
Nosferatu Anderson  
Heh! __Simply genius! Hum. I wonder…Never mind.  
BTW, the name's gonna be 'Hellsing special institute for training the glorious warriors  
of the coming future', easily called HSITGWCF. Muuuch easier to remember, right?_

Alucard Nosferatu-Anderson

_**Counter  
Humans who already joined Integra's jerkness: **__2577  
__**Integra's recent 'I SO TOLD YOU'S:**__ 4  
__**Shame levels:**__ Yesterday grew up from 0 to 10.4_

-**Oh, freaking** **Someday!, 12:40**-

_**Dear Diary:  
**__  
She fucking did it. SHE FUCKING DID IT!!! Without any reason  
SHE DID IT!!! NOW I'M DAMNED TEACHING AT H…OH HOWEVER IT'S FUCKING NAMED!  
HOW DID THAT HAPPENED?! I UNDERSTAND I'M A SERVANT BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!  
I AM NO HUMAN TEACHER!! I AM NO TEACHER AT ALL!! ARGH AND SHE'S NOT EVEN  
PAYING ME!! (Personal note: talk to the syndicate) Shame Levels, did I say 10.4?  
Make it a 20!_

Tormented Alucard

----------------------------------------------------------------------  
Wee! Chap three up! Hope you like it :3 Oh, and sorry for the late,  
I've been a little busy lately…Anyway, please review! And for all  
those reviewers, your cookie must be getting there right now…


	4. Alucard's Diary IV Bonus inside!

A/N: Ueeeh! I Just finished seeing Gravitation (…again) and right now I've got a very  
Yaoi-ish feeling. So, here is, for your enjoyment,   
Alucard's adventures in the Oh-So-Popular Hellsing special institute for training the glorious warriors of the coming future. And…returning to the Yaoi-ish thing, I've got  
a surprise for yah! This chapter includes a bonus called 'Alucard's little adventure'.  
Hmmm…I think I'll have to change the rating…whoops! Read  
you later!

-**DESTINATION: DOOM, 09:44 PM**-

_**Dear Diary**__**: **_

_It's going to be tomorrow. Tomorrow! Can you believe it is tomorrow? I can't believe  
it is tomorrow. But what the heck. There's nothing I can do about it  
so I'll have to attend. Hmm…I wonder, what would I teach? Defence, may be?  
Or would it be dark magic? Professional Fighting? P.E.? Wehehe, this could  
be fun after all…_

Professor Alucard (Oh that's sexy)

  
-**So close…and yet so fucking far (ahem, Monday), 12:00 PM**-

_**Dear Diary: **_

_OH. MY. GOD. 'Teacher Alucard'…do you think that sounds good? What  
about 'Art Teacher Alucard'? __Really I mean…! What the fuck is going on with  
master's head! ART TEACHER? Seriously! Today was my first class and  
it was really like hell. No, wait, hell would be better. Anyway what's an  
Art class doing in this school? It has absolutely nothing to do with it!  
WHAT WOULD BE NEXT? AM I GOING TO BE THE JANITOR OR SOMETHING?_

Alucard the…art teacher (DON'T YOU DARE TO LAUGH!)

-**Tuesday, 01:36 AM**-

_**Dear Diary: **_

_Ueeeh! GUESS WHAT?__ Noooo it doesn't has to be with Anderson…  
Ok Ok you win he is the new religion teacher!!! (Again, what the fuck?)  
I don't know how it happened but master must love me really much to  
do that! Oooh this is wonderful! Seeing him with his teacher costume  
and everything gave me a new fantasy…I mean, those banks  
must be useful, right? Wehehehehehe I'll caught him someday…_

Naughty, Naughty Alucard

-**It's Wednesday okay? WEDNESDAY, 01:36 AM**-

_**Dear Diary**__**: **_

_Students are annoying.  
Really they are. Some of them are harassing me like everywhere; they  
even follow me to the bathroom…Uehh…that's something you really  
don't wanna hear. BTW, Anderson didn't attend today. How bothering…  
I wonder if he's sick. I'll send Walter with cookies._

Alucard

_**--------------Alucard's Little Adventure**___

"Good Morning, professor Alucard!"  
"Hmm"  
Answered the vampire…Not like he was in the mood for chatting with his  
students. One of them (a skinny blond called Yuuji) laughed.

"_What's so funny, may I ask?"  
"N-nothing, professor Alucard!"  
"Where you laughing at me, Mr. Kitsune?"  
"No professor Alucard!"  
"Is there something funny in me?"  
"Absolutely not, professor Alucard!"  
"Oh! You're saying I'm humourless?"  
"N-no! No! No, no, no, no professor Alucard! I Would NEVER say anything like that!  
I…I love you!"  
"WHAT DID YOU SAID?!"  
"Geez! N-nothing professor Alucard!"  
"That's right. You DID NOT said anything. And if you value your life you  
won't say anything, alright?"  
"Ooh...I mean yes professor Alucard!"_

After the bell ring Alucard left the room. He was so stressed he was feeling  
dead…well, at least deader than always. He was walking his way to the bathroom  
thinking of…well, absolutely anything when…__

BUMP__

"Whoa! Hey that hurts! Who hit me?!"  
"Hello, professor Alucard"  
"Oh, it was just you Yuuji. Please be careful next time, I was…"  
"Shut up, professor Alucard!"  
"WHAT?!"  
"You're an idiot, professor Alucard"  
"What did you…"  
"You are the girliest vampire I've ever seen professor Alucard"  
"WH…WHAT?! YOU LITTLE…!"  
"Now that's what I was talking about! I just love when you're angry!  
That…that psychopath smile…those knives!"  
"You…I was…What is going on?!"  
"Right now, nothing, professor Alucard, but I have to admit that results very  
boring to me…"  
"Wh…"  
Alucard's studentpushed the teacher to the wall and kissed him with frenzy.  
The vampire was still confused with the boy's statements to correctly process  
the fact that he was kissing him…Wait, was he staring at his…?

_"YUUJI KITSUNE! GET FUCKING OFF! WHAT WHERE YOU THINKING?  
AND JUST WHAT-THE-HELL-ARE-YOU-LOOKING-AT!"  
"Professor Alucard…you must be great in bed…"  
"WHAT?!"  
"Do me, professor Alucard! I Promise I will never harass you again!"  
"YOU GROSS HUMAN BRAT! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE OR I'LL KILL YOU!"  
"Would you, professor? Principal Integra wouldn't be very happy if you did"  
"That's none of your business!"  
"Come on, professor, I know you want me…you're always staring at me!"  
"YOU ARE MY STUDENT I'M SUPPOSED TO!"  
"Then teach me something useful, professor…it's not like you're great at painting  
anyway"  
"Well, now I'm doing it even less!"  
"BUT PROFESSOOOR! I'll…I'll accuse you of paedophilia if you don't!"  
"Well that's ironical don't you think?"  
"Professor!"  
"NO WAY!"  
"Meanie!"  
_

_----------------------------------------------------------------------  
_Heeeey! I Hope you liked it…kinda funny the harassing thing.  
Please review okay?


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